A Different Kind Of Grief

*This post will be less Donna Reed more me.  Probably all me, but we'll see how it goes. =)*

 If you follow me on facebook or know me "in real life" you know that my baby started kindergarten this week.  You know this because I have been obsessing about it.  You are all being so kind and sympathetic/empathetic and yet soon you will be over it and I will need to get it together.  Or more likely, pretend to get it together.  I am trying to keep it in perspective - I really am!

I promise that I understand that I have not lost a child.  I understand that she is entering a new exciting stage in her life and I AM happy for her!  As my sister said to me, in these times of so much tragedy involving children I am blessed to have the family I have at the age and stage they are and need to find joy in the moment.  I get it, I do!

And yet I find myself grieving all the same.  Grieving parts of MY life that are over.  I am sorry if that makes me self centered, but we moms need to allow ourselves some attention too.  We need to let ourselves feel.  I have been desperately trying to NOT cry all week, but at what cost?  All I have gotten for my efforts are days of migraine headaches and binge eating. And guess what?  Still sad!

This week I have NOT looked at old pictures. going through a musical montage in my mind of magical moments with my perfect angel child.  (Obviously I would cut out all of the tantrums, attitude problems and whining!)  I really did try to stay away from all of the tear jerker pit falls.  And then the Disney Channel ruined it.

Truthfully it was bound to happen.  The fact that I was actively NOT being sad wasn't working even a little.  I have had a constant lump in my throat and burning eyes.  I have known that at any moment I would snap and it would probably be a while before I could stop sobbing and rocking in the corner.  So I just kept moving and doing, like nothing was happening.  But today it was quiet in the house, too quiet.  DANGEROUSLY quiet.  Noticeably missing was a little voice telling me everything that entered her head.  And I started to sniffle.  No!  I mustn't be weak!  I'll turn on the TV, background noise will help!  And there it was, "Sofia the First".  Friday morning, 9am - the time they show new episodes.  And I immediately began to call Reagan so she could come watch.  But she wasn't there,  she was at school having a wonderful new adventure, exactly as she should be doing.  And.  I.  Lost.  It.

Days of pent up tears and grief that I finally had to embrace.  The first stage of mine and my child's relationship is over and guess what?  I'm going to let myself grieve about it's passing.  I will allow myself to feel loss, because I HAVE lost something.  Those first few years of childhood are special and they don't come back.  Day after day of Target trips and having your little one "helping' you clean while constantly chattering, sitting down for a moment and having them climb on your lap and snuggle. Those little things are SO special!  I have cherished them with each of my children and have been heartbroken when all three of my children "graduated" from this stage.

I want to say I know it gets better.  But in truth, I am graduating as well.  Before, there were always more little ones at home, which helped immensely.  This time though, there is no one.  I have to come to grips with the fact that I don't have little kids anymore.  My life is changing, regardless of the fact that I have firmly planted my feet on the ground, screaming "Nooooo!".  And I have to be OK with it.  Even though I'm not.  At all.

So maybe this is when I have my mid-life crises?  My face the music moment?  Do I go back to pursuing some old dreams?  Do I come up with new ones?  How do I make sure that I am now keeping my life full, without the all consuming joy of raising small children?  Because for me?  THAT was my dream.  I wanted to be a mom.  (Oh wait, here's our Donna moment!!)  Obviously not every moment was perfection.  There were days that felt like they would never end!  There was screaming and CONSTANT talking and exhaustion.  But it was SO worth it.  (And yes, I am still a mom and adore my children and I know they still need me.  But it's different now.)

I don't know, maybe one could compare this to being fired from your dream job.  It's over, but not by YOUR choice.  You still want to get up tomorrow, pack up your laptop and drive off to the job you love.  The job you were MEANT to do.  The job that frankly, you are quite good at doing!!  But you can't.  They won't let you go back.  And it hurts.  A lot.